April 2017
I am so grateful … when God wants my attention – when I really need to be learning something, He creates the most amazing times of stillness for me. I can be way to busy and way too caught up in crazy to-do lists that often involve other people, BUT when I feel that sinking overwhelm – He ALWAYS gives me a way out.
I have felt a little out of whack – in need of an alignment – for the past couple months. I have things that are important to me, God given dreams that seem to land on my back burners because something else was more urgent. All those years of project management training and skill building and I still get sucked into the tyranny of the urgent. One truth has been right in front of me in so many ways for the past month. Mixing up different translations:
1 Corinthians 10:13
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it. He [has in the past and is now and] will [always] provide the way out as well, so that you will be able to endure it [without yielding, and will overcome temptation with joy].
He always provides! Provision this month came packaged in a 103.3 fever … yes it is odd to think of illness as provision, yet in this case it is absolutely true. When I am that sick and have so many days in bed, I can’t do much more that lay there and think! For a couple of days, I was too tired to even read. It is in those moments, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, God’s got me. The most clear headed I got was saying God – what do you need me to know?
In my heart, I heard the whispers – you need to take care of you! I’d love to report that was the end of the conversation and I responded with an ok – no problem – NOT! I may have had the fever for over a week to have the appropriate wrestling time to understand what God was really saying.
My temptation – my urgency – often shows up in service to others. It isn’t a bad thing until I am sacrificing my health all the way to my physical self. My serving gets out of whack with a bad case of self-sufficiency. God was gentle and kind as he showed me how this pattern plays out that He wants me to work on.
- Someone I love has a need (Thad is in a really bad car accident).
- I mostly drop everything to help (He needed 24×7 help).
- I feel guilty for not getting my stuff done (I stopped doing pretty much everything but my quiet time – no meal planning, no house cleaning, all the basic home management stuff).
- I sacrifice my sleep to find more hours in the day to pretend to get caught up (I’d wake up at 4a and decide to dust – what?).
- I end berating myself that I am not doing more (Thad is injured, not me; it is weak to need help to take care of family).
- When I finally raise the white flag and admit the overwhelm, I don’t know how to ask for help, I am not specific in what I need to a broad enough audience. (What can someone else do? Why would people help me?).
Confession: I am not ok and haven’t been ok for a while. I love taking care of my husband and I am so grateful that he is alive to take care of. It will never be a burden to love him well. AND I need to create balance. I need to sleep. I need to relieve stress. I need down time. I need to eat food that nourishes and supports me.
Thad is getting better. I am watching miracles every day as God continues to heal his brain. It is an honor to have a front row seat to his transformation. Now I need to allow myself to be transformed as well. I can overcome the temptation that my needs don’t matter right now – only with God’s help. It is time to start my journey to get back into alignment – to find my health and wellness integrity again. God – I am listening … I will follow your lead.