February 2017
When something traumatic happens in someone’s life, hearts will be revealed and often change is required. There is a process I have to go through because loss occurred. For me, going through the shock, grief, and resignation to get to acceptance doesn’t look like I thought it would.
My shock stage was completely numb and in total disbelief of what was going on around me. It was a period of “I don’t know”. I had zero understanding of what had happened or what was coming. I could trick myself with the everything will be fine thoughts because he looked ok even though deep down I knew things were seriously off.
When the grief hit, I felt a whole lot all at once. So many questions of why? The mood pendulum would swing from sad to angry to fear to overwhelm then it would start over. I had to allow the scary feelings of intense mourning and just be still.
When I had feelings of resignation taking over, I thank God for the warning signals that this could be a danger zone. I didn’t want to feel hopeless and powerless. I didn’t want to get stuck in the why us victim thoughts. I didn’t want to believe things weren’t and never would be ok. And yet I hid waiting for the next disaster under an imaginary cloud of pending doom. And in the darkness, he was still with me.
God’s got us! and when I really believe it and act on it, there is acceptance of the new normal. I am willing to live. I am willing to hope. I am open to the blessings of the new life God has for me. What God is showing me over and over is that if I want to live in his perfect peace with acceptance and hope, forgiveness is the only door I have to walk through.
And to forgive, I need to acknowledge the pain. I need to acknowledge the feelings.
- hatred towards the driver that hit Thad
- abandonment by people that had promised to be there then walked away
- judgment that I screwed it up or was/am doing it wrong
- anger of other’s minimizing and dismissing our new reality
- sadness of thinking I was a part of something when I wasn’t really
- grieving the loss of what I thought were real friendships
From this point forward – I can choose to give it to God. I do not have to be bound by it or held hostage to it. It can be part of my past, but it does not have to shape my future. I choose to accept responsibility for myself and my actions moving forward.
Colossians 3:12-14
So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.
I choose to forgive. And when it hurts again, I choose to remember that I forgave the hurts and stay present in the love of Christ. I can choose my focus, my attitude, my beliefs, and my actions. I will choose my words to give life. I will be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I will focus on Him. Not everyone will like me or believe in me. Not everyone supports me – BUT GOD – goes with me and that is what sustains me.
