After the past months of a steady decline leading up to a couple of really hard weeks where all I know to do is fall on my face in the presence of God … He had me reflecting on all he has done and what he is teaching me. I’ve shared pieces and glimpses into our TBI journey, and God brought more than a few people into our world to help me process all that I am experiencing and some of them have no clue how much they have blessed me.
One of those people is my friend Jana Hooten. She is teaching me how to grieve and how to rely on God for absolutely every need I have. She had a daughter go to be with Jesus in a tragic accident on January 7, 2017 …. I have no clue what that pain is like as I have never had children. She wrote something out of the depths of her grieving that I shared with my counselor and it became a huge part of my finally being able to put words to my feelings. Below is her heart and words adapted to my TBI experience. I would ask that you visit Ally’s Legacy to learn more about Jana’s amazing daughter and make a donation to build the gym at her school in her memory.
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Becoming a TBI wife is not something I ever thought would be part of my reality. I would never wish this on anyone …. and choosing to join communities and groups opens me up to helping a friend or family member who had something happen to their husband. It is devastating to see new people joining these groups or having a friend ask if they can share my contact info with someone else. I pray hard knowing another wife has to feel this pain and begin to walk this awful road without her partner to help carry her, guide her, or even be present for the journey. I also want to look them in the eye and say, “Just love them.” I know that may seem too simple but it’s really not. How?
1. Place no expectations on her. None. Get over the phone call that wasn’t returned, the text never answered and the thank you card never sent. She is just trying to survive. Your expectations will never be met. Never. If you’re looking for them to be, you’ll be the one who walks away disappointed. She’ll never know it happened because her life is a complete fog right now.
2. Realize that your friend isn’t the same person and she might never be. Actually, just count on her never being the same person. Her entire world turned upside down in a split second. I believe it would change you too.
3. Your friend just wants to be heard and understood. Listen more than you speak. Sit in silence. Let her cry.
4. Just do without asking. She seriously has no clue what she needs. She is working hard to remember to even breathe. Making decisions seems impossible most of the time. If you say, “call me if you need anything”… your phone will likely never ring. Think about necessities and needs. Just mow the lawn, show up with toilet paper, bring the dinner… don’t ask. Warrior wives are unusually bold. If we don’t want you to do something, we will tell you.
5. Don’t be offended when we forget – a lot. Grief brain is real. And don’t be offended when we say no or not now yet again. Somedays we just can’t. Some weeks we just can’t. And yes we are grieving … Don’t judge just accept. My husband is different both emotionally and physically so dreams took an unexpected turn if what we always wanted, worked for, and planned for can even still exist.
6. She needs you regularly. Every day hurts, not just the “big” days. The regular, ordinary days are the most painful. She needs to know you have her back.
7. Perhaps one of the most important things is this…your friend will need you for the long haul. If you’re not willing to commit, walk away. She will need you a year later as much as she did on day one – possibly even more. For how long? I don’t know. I’m 16 months in and still have times when it’s hard to breathe under the weight of it all and more days than I want to admit when I have no clue what I need or even how to ask for it. The decisions haven’t ended. The mounds of paperwork and medical bills are growing and the doctor and therapy appointments have no end in sight.
8. She needs you to pray for them. I’m not talking about a “bless their family” prayer before you dive into dinner. I’m talking “on your knees begging God to lift the load” kind of prayers. “Prayers” as in plural. They will need a lot of those prayers. They need you to intercede for them.
9. Know that it’s actually okay to walk away. Yes, that’s what I said. For a long while, it made me incredibly angry and also very sad when I realized that friends abandoned us.
Now, I am working to show grace in the hurt. The greatest pain they’ve ever known, is just that…the greatest pain they’ve ever known. I can’t expect them to know my pain or even be willing to see what deep-shocking-world-changing-pain looks like. I can’t understand their pain either. So, sometimes people walk away. I can only imagine that looking in the eyes of your friend and seeing someone who now feels like a complete stranger, because of the way the trauma has ravaged her, would cause some to choose to walk away – it’s their choice.
10. Above all….Love well showing grace.
It’s a commitment. A long-term one. But one day, I believe the haze will fade, the darkness will start to see a sliver of light and I pray you’ll be standing there with them. Do it because you love them. It’s worth it!
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Thank you Jana for your walk with Jesus, for living out your faith, and sharing your wisdom to help me take a big step forward in letting go …
